I know....

its been a while, but really, there hasnt been a lot to reoport, just the daily grind of tears, funny faces, and cuddles. 
But I suppose I should mention that today I go for *my* first pyche appointment to look at being diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. 

It really doesnt matter to me, Ive realized, what the Dr. says.  I *know* that this is what I have, and the knowing the truth of this, has set me free.  ive never been happier in my life, then I am right now.  Never felt so free to just relax in my own skin.  I finally dont have to fight to be "normal".  I finally am allowed to hold my obsessions, Im allowed to have my issues.  Im allowed, at last, to not be able to cope, sometimes, with things that "normal" people can, and yet survive easily what they cant.

The combination of FAS, and Aspergers, has made me a brillent, sensitive, shy teacher.  A woman who sees too much and knows too much and lectures and storms and cries and hurts....  and is *happy*.
I can *be* obsessed with vampires, and still be a solid Christian.  I can love the realms of fantasy, and still cling to reality with a passion that terrifies even myself.  I can spend all day, reading 1 proverb, obsessed with one verse and the multitude of truths it holds.

Because God worked extra hard, to make sure I was built *exactly* like this.
Disabled.
"Wrong in the Head"
yeah...

these days - that brings me the one thing Ive wanted all my life, but been unable to find.
Peace.

An official diagnosis, wont take this from me.  But it will *vindicate* me.
It will, once and for all, be something I can carry with me, and take to all these people who just cast me aside, and couldnt tell me why.
Why Marie, thought I was "fake"
Why the people I first lived with, in Naniamo, kicked me out with no warning just because "this wasnt working out"
Why the record store fired me, thinking I was stoned all the time
Why the kids picked on me *so* badly in school.
Why the SA probably canned me, and gave me a massive settlement so I wouldn't sue them.
Why people are always saying to me that Im too blunt, too honest.
Why for years we "joked" that my best friend had to follow around behind me, making sure I hadnt hurt anybodies feelings.

and why to this day, I still have to color code my smarties before I eat them.

to all those people, helpful and hurtful, I will finally be proven.
and *that* idea? Makes me positively giddy.

I am finally free.
the *TRUTH* - has set me free...

funny how that works, isnt it?

RItual vs Routine

http://physicalsubculture.com/links/ritual-vs-routine/

Yes, I know that link is mostly about fitness, but it does make the clarification I needed.
Autistic and Aspergers are often accused of having deep seated "rituals" that must be performed.  But I had to start to wonder, why "ritual"?

Honestly, I think its because people are stupid.  They dont understand, or wish to understand, all the nuances of the language, and can only comprehend that what they interpret as routine is different, and more fluid then anothers.  Because rigid rules and the "performance" aspect of children (look at me, love me!) reminds a person of what a ritual looks like, they make a surface judgment.

But a Ritual, is not a routine.  A ritual should inspire, should strengthen ones soul and mind.  A ritual, far from being a negative thing, is a positive enforcement of our own ability to "touch the divine".
A routine, is something done because you have to, and have discovered the fastest, most efficient way to make sense out of it.  Just because you do it a different way from another - doesnt make *thiers* wrong, or ritual, or stupid, it just shows the fabulous differences between the workings of our minds.

Ritual should fuel the fire that drives us through routine.
yes.

I like that.