updates....

Eva is doing well at school.  Making friends, progressing with physical and mental tasks.
Jade is in the final steps before going to the Glenrose for his official diagnoses. 

I didnt write about it at first, because I wasnt sure how to cope with the award winning, world renowned pediatrician looking me in the eyes and saying "you have a very sweet little boy, but he is going to need a great deal of help".

Ive started smoking again.  I hate it, but it does help me both stay calmer, and eat less.
The smell makes me want to gag still though.

I really do think its just the anti-depressents that make me so tired.  Since Ive upped my dosage about a month ago, Ive gotten to the point now where I want four hour afternoon naps again, *and* an early bed time.  Any activity at all just wipes me out. 

It doesnt help that we've decided that me attempting to go to the gym with Jade, on days when Im not anything other then 100% is cruel and unusual punishment - for me.  Although I still contend that *that* particular activity would constitute abuse for any woman, not just me.

I drop Eva off at school, and I walk away to a host of angry,  please dont leave me, type screams from my daughter.  I then deal with an upset Jade, all the way to the gym.  Once at the gym, I deal with *him* crying and screaming, because mama is leaving him. 
Of course, the difference is that Eva settles down the moment Im out of earshot, and has a good day.  Jade wont settle at all, untill someone in there cuddles him, and then they cant put him down, the intire time Im working out, or he screams.
They say they dont mind, but it *does* rather ruin my adrenaline high to come back in, and see him still crying and sniffling, clinging to a person who *really* doesnt get paid enough to deal with this kind of thing.

And mentally - I cant deal with it.  Next year, hopefully, it will *just* be him, causing the fuss, at the door of the school, but then again, since he will be waiting with Eva, maybe it wont be as bad as Im expecting.  Either way, the gym will be much more accessible to me, when Im not worried about jade freaking out and ending my workout before it begins.

Tonight we watched the new version of the Karate Kid.  Ive never seen them *both* so interested in a live action movie.  Particularly Jade, who never imitates what he sees on the screen, but did try to tonight.  Maybe another year or so, Ill put them in a class for either Kung Fu, or ... ... ... mind-fart - I cannot for the life of me at this moment remember the type of Martial Art Popsi teaches/trains in. OH! Tae Kwon Do... yes.  one of the two.
I may even start taking classes myself.

But thats - a way off.  Right now, I need to focus on today.  On staying awake, and getting my dose back down.  So I can stay awake for more then four hours at a time.  I think the *worst* of the "crisis" is over with.  I - realize - now, how much God - plans - for all of this.  If there had even *been* an "Aspergers" Disorder, back when I was a child, and by some miracle, I had been diagnosed, Im fairly certain, given my track record with - so many things - I would have probably grown up in some kind of group home for the mentally ill.

And before you all say "no way" - remember, there are *reasons* why I dont cook, most of the time.  If I get distracted, things get burnt, at best - destroyed and on fire, if its bad enough.  I leave laundry in the machine for days at a time, and sometimes - not often, but sometimes, Ill admit, they stay in too long, and it takes multiple washings to then get the smell out of them.
And these are only two examples.  never mind the *multitude* of jobs Ive lost, the problems with my rage, and yeah... the fact Im getting - more sensitive, as I get older - to noise, and to people.
Tigger gets it, thankfully, and has little difficulty in - coping - with the necessities, of living with me, but - Hes literally one in a million.

SO yes, if my life had gone any other way, with this, it would have - most likely, been more then just a bit disastrous.  As it is, Ive learned how to cope, how to manage, in ways that alot of my "peers" couldnt ever.  And all of it has a part - the years of Drama classes, of Pastoral training, even tidbits I picked up in dance, through working at the church in Naniamo, with Dave, through speech arts... it all gave me skills - *forced* me to develop skills, that most people with Aspergers, just usually dont develop.

I *know* what a person can be capable of.  I know what my *kids* will be capable of.  And when *not* to push those limits.  I know what its like to look at someone, and know you have nothing left, and have them say "you have no choice - everybody else does it, you can do it too"

I know what its like, to fight twice as long, and twice as hard, then anybody around me, just to get to "normal".  And not have anybody believe you, or understand you.  Even though they still believe *in* you.  And how much that can hurt.

SO yeah, I think, I can - start taking steps forward, now.  Seeing where the next step is, for myself, and my family. The first thing I need to do, as embarrassing as it is, is find out what all these different groups are, and what they can do for us, and...most importantly, what each groups *purpose* is.. because, all I know right now, is that there are all these people who phone me, and I keep putting them off, because untill now, I havent had the resources, at my disposal, to figure them all out.

And yes, start lowering my dose - trying again.  Because I need to be *awake*.

So - interesting...

I always related to vampires so easily.

But as I went to bed last night, I realized, that quite suddenly, it would seem my fascination has been suddenly, and violently back-burnered.  Perhaps finally, even removed.

My - oddities - such as they are, were easy to hide, in a vampiric cloak.  It was easier to explain my strangeness by saying that I really didnt belong amongst the rest of the living.  I played up the fact that I was - and I am - allergic to sunlight, silver, and garlic.  It gave me a place to belong.  A place where I felt marginally accepted.

Now though - I feel a great deal like Ive been - transferred.  Aspergers - Aspies, tend toward light sensitivity, odd verbal mechanics, frequent headaches, enjoyment in research - and more - indoor pursuits.  Pedantic monologues, auditory sensitivity, daydreams, and "living inside their heads".  (for the record, I hate the term "Aspies" even though its wildly accepted within the community - it makes me think of a breed of dog.)

I am no longer a freak - just - a subdivision of normal.
Im not sure how this makes me feel, though.  My - identity, has dwelt in the undead, for *so* long.  To - in a sense, finally become a mere mortal, is - disconcerting.  Yes, Ive *always* recognized that I am mortal, no I *never* really thought I was a vampire... but...in my head - in *my* world... I obviously associated my - peculiarities, there. 

With this, comes the deep seated sensation of - "mentally deficient"  Depression, is an illness, and with the concept of mental illness, recovery is always an option.  But Aspergers, isnt something that you can "recover" from.  You can disguise it, hide it, and play around the edges a bit, but its *always* there.

No - *I* am still the person I was before the diagnoses, but *with* the diagnoses, comes a full re-evaluation of my entire life.  Every friendship, every job, every fight, is thrust into a different light.  In almost every case, thier treatment of me *was* unfair - and had people been able to understand my limitations, I probably would have been treated very differently.

On the other hand, if they had known my limitations, would I have achieved as much as I have?  Probably not.  No one would have expected me, or possibly even allowed me, to do many things.  Including, most likely, live on my own.  Something that I now recognize would actually be - and was, very difficult for me.

And yet... I desire the quiet.  The lack of possession.  I understand now, why "things" bother me - why *clutter* bothers me.  I need things ordered.  I need - visual and auditory space.  And when too much is around me - even expectation - I run away.

So yes.  I am finally leaving that darkness behind me.  Im not "stepping into the light" though, as much as stepping into a well defined room, with light in it.  And I feel - semi-comfortable there.

It doesnt mean that that the transition is easy.  The frequent panic attacks, the depression, the anxiety Ive felt recently, all attests to that.  Once I am - relaxed, in this new place, I will again be able to test my bounderies - perhaps even push them as much as I always have.

But for the first time in my life, I can finally relax, and be me.  I can say "no, I *cant* do that - and just because you can, doesnt mean I *should*."  I no longer have to compete with "normal" people, and prove my worth - by out performing them.  (This was a trick I Learned, I think in my teens - if you exceeded expectations of normal people, they forgave you *most* of your oddities- even your temper tantrums)

SO forgive me, if for a while, I hide in my house, saying "no".
 Right now, its exactly the therepy I need.

New Pictures....

Eva first...

yes, Im asking you to lkove me - again.

Because when you dont...I just look cuter.

First day of school, and why yes, my skirt *is* pleated.

now, Jade...

No, its not a dimple, its a kiss catcher.

Sisters first day of school! yay! I dont have to go!

and just because they are sooo cute....

Uhhh, Eva? what did wee do this time?

We are trouble... love us?

plx stp nao k thx?

So very busy

Between Eva at school, and me back at the gym, and getting sick.... its been insane.

But I relized something last night.

Eva has been acting out *horribly* this last week - and I suddenly realized *why*.
She misses me.

She used to spend all day with me, now - shes away all morning.  Shes misbehaving to get my attention - to reassure herself that mommy is still there for her.  SO last night, I *gasp* stepped away from my computer...
I know, Hell just got a morning coat of frost, but - yes, I cuddled, tickled and chased my little girl around all night.

Hopefully, this will pass, when she realizes nothing with me has changed.  But untill then, shes going to need a whole lot of extra reassurance, that even though her whole little life is "changing" - Mama, will always be there for her.