So - interesting...

I always related to vampires so easily.

But as I went to bed last night, I realized, that quite suddenly, it would seem my fascination has been suddenly, and violently back-burnered.  Perhaps finally, even removed.

My - oddities - such as they are, were easy to hide, in a vampiric cloak.  It was easier to explain my strangeness by saying that I really didnt belong amongst the rest of the living.  I played up the fact that I was - and I am - allergic to sunlight, silver, and garlic.  It gave me a place to belong.  A place where I felt marginally accepted.

Now though - I feel a great deal like Ive been - transferred.  Aspergers - Aspies, tend toward light sensitivity, odd verbal mechanics, frequent headaches, enjoyment in research - and more - indoor pursuits.  Pedantic monologues, auditory sensitivity, daydreams, and "living inside their heads".  (for the record, I hate the term "Aspies" even though its wildly accepted within the community - it makes me think of a breed of dog.)

I am no longer a freak - just - a subdivision of normal.
Im not sure how this makes me feel, though.  My - identity, has dwelt in the undead, for *so* long.  To - in a sense, finally become a mere mortal, is - disconcerting.  Yes, Ive *always* recognized that I am mortal, no I *never* really thought I was a vampire... but...in my head - in *my* world... I obviously associated my - peculiarities, there. 

With this, comes the deep seated sensation of - "mentally deficient"  Depression, is an illness, and with the concept of mental illness, recovery is always an option.  But Aspergers, isnt something that you can "recover" from.  You can disguise it, hide it, and play around the edges a bit, but its *always* there.

No - *I* am still the person I was before the diagnoses, but *with* the diagnoses, comes a full re-evaluation of my entire life.  Every friendship, every job, every fight, is thrust into a different light.  In almost every case, thier treatment of me *was* unfair - and had people been able to understand my limitations, I probably would have been treated very differently.

On the other hand, if they had known my limitations, would I have achieved as much as I have?  Probably not.  No one would have expected me, or possibly even allowed me, to do many things.  Including, most likely, live on my own.  Something that I now recognize would actually be - and was, very difficult for me.

And yet... I desire the quiet.  The lack of possession.  I understand now, why "things" bother me - why *clutter* bothers me.  I need things ordered.  I need - visual and auditory space.  And when too much is around me - even expectation - I run away.

So yes.  I am finally leaving that darkness behind me.  Im not "stepping into the light" though, as much as stepping into a well defined room, with light in it.  And I feel - semi-comfortable there.

It doesnt mean that that the transition is easy.  The frequent panic attacks, the depression, the anxiety Ive felt recently, all attests to that.  Once I am - relaxed, in this new place, I will again be able to test my bounderies - perhaps even push them as much as I always have.

But for the first time in my life, I can finally relax, and be me.  I can say "no, I *cant* do that - and just because you can, doesnt mean I *should*."  I no longer have to compete with "normal" people, and prove my worth - by out performing them.  (This was a trick I Learned, I think in my teens - if you exceeded expectations of normal people, they forgave you *most* of your oddities- even your temper tantrums)

SO forgive me, if for a while, I hide in my house, saying "no".
 Right now, its exactly the therepy I need.